OH my. I must be out of my mind, crazy, nuts, insane, dumb, blind, retarded and all.

It's my BLOG, viCkii's BLOG for goodness sake.

I shall blog more about myself.

HAHAHHA.

-

But not about my day and all. It's like, if he doesn't bother to contact and ask about me, for what should i give him the info through here? Agreeee? Hhaha.

There's no way I will tell u if you don't ask.

We're getting further apart anyway.

-

Anyway, I bought a tube top that is so nice and sweet, a pair of shoes that I love it immediately when I saw it, and i decorated my hp.

=D

Am loving it so much.

-

And ooooo. Most likely, I'll have a birthday chalet!!

Everyone's invited.

*If there is. Hahaaa.*

-

I want a job.

Once again, I have the taste of loneliness.

It's new year eve, for goodness sake.

But he's having fun with his friend.

"What about me?" I asked him.

"I thought you'll be out. You told me on xmas." He said.

"The only communication we had on xmas was you telling me that you couldn't meet me at all." I answered him.

" Sorry then. I am not free today." That's his reply.

And no more reply even if i msged him.

-

So cold. Cold as in, feelingless cold.

I asked whether he is serious in continuing this relationship.

It's like, if he's not, not point wasting my time and tears and feelings.

I wanna make this relationship work. As in really really really work out well.

But i rather put this r/s down than having him saying yes but his actions doesn't tally at all.

His answer was "I am if you are."

What an answer. I might as well ask myself and save the hassle of asking him.

-

I really have no idea what I am suppose to do.

Don't give it a damn?

-

Someone pls, knock some sense into his mind. I really can't stand it anymore.

A relationship is a two way thingy.

Here I am putting in all my effort, there he is, tarnishing all my efforts.

Knock some sense into him..

I am really... ='((

It hurts so much like hell.

-

I couldn't believe tt I cried again because of this.

-

And I couldn't believe tt it felt worse than anything else.

-

I couldn't believe tt you're doing nothing too..

=''((

So much of my anger, so much of it.

Now I shan care, I shall not bother about it.

-

Plan to go to school tml to do my assignment.

Then maybe off to do some shopping at some shopping centres.

Maybe I will drop by Esplanade library for some books.

Hope I enjoy being alone.

Daryl Lee Yi Sheng,

I AM FUCKING PISSED AT YOU.

-

Go spend your time with your DEAR neighbours and DEAR cousins, listen to you DEAR grandpa and enjoy your DEAR DATE with that DEAR LADY that YOUR GRANDPA HAPPILY MATCH-MAKE YOU WITH.

And oh, who am i? Just a fucking nobody that ain't worth your time and effort to tell the people around you that I fucking exist; a fucking nobody that doesn't even deserve a few seconds off your fucking 24hours a day.

Just how long have i not seen you?

I am even worse than a part-time girlfriend.

Oh wait, do you regard me as your girlfriend in the first place?

-

Here I am trying very hard not to bother about it, and told you how I felt.

But you SIMPLY CHOOSE TO IGNORE AND DECEIVE YOURSELF BY SAYING THAT I AM PARANOID.

And what's more, YOU ARE TAKING ME SOOO FOR GRANTED, saying that I WILL understand, BUT I TELL YOU I FUCKING DON'T UNDERSTAND A SINGLE SHIT.

And adding on to that, YOU THINK YOUR SORRIES VERY BIG AH.

I spent days and days feeling so single and not attached.

I spent festive season all alone.

What about you?

You're soooo fucking happy.

-

YOU BASTARD.
knn.

I tried so hard to understand and give in to you.

But you don't even bother to understand me and all.

What's the fucking point?

Aiya, I just woke up.

And when I checked my mobile for messages, I realised that he msged me!

O.o it's like WOW HE MSGED ME??

Crazy. It's a msg that has been sent to the wrong receiver.

It's not meant for me.

Aiya I don't give a damn about him already.

-

OH. Planned to go to school to get my assignment done. But this freaking rain is toooo heavy. Spoil my mood. Idiot.

-

Now now now, I felt as if Im back to the days whereby he's not around at all.

Whereby we're not together at all.

* He gonna say Im being paranoid again. And I don't care.*

Right. Christmas time. Hope everyone of you are enjoying every moment of it now.

Don't me like me, having no life and end up spending my time blogging. It's not as if blogging = no life la. But people who know me will know who I plan to celebrate with. And people who really know us will know why Im here blogging in the end.

-

Luckily I spent my xmas eve in an environment of joy, laughter, love and peace. =)

No squeezy Orchard road or town area.

I went to XiangLin for their xmas party.

So fun.. games, food, pressie exchange.. At least I felt loved over there. At least I know that I am being cared over there and at least I know that people over there can feel my existence.

I stayed over there when the party had ended and we drank and drank and drank.

Im the red-est there. Cuz my blood circulation is tooo good.

But, Im not drunk.

Chatted with everyone, and Steven started to get a lil drunk.

He started chimalogy talking saying how you should cherish your sec school life and such.

At the same time, me, PeiCheng and ZuPeng started talking about our sec school life.

Anyway, cuz PeiCheng's from Ngee Ann too. So I got to know more about my school in the past. He's such a senior. When Im sec1, he had already graduated.

So can you imagine?

KaiBoon went to fetch his gf.

And there's 2 more couples over there.

Oh well, those that are attached have their significant other to be with them.

What about me?

I do hate Christmas. Cuz Im ALWAYS alone. And when you're attached but looked and felt single, it ain't a nice feeling.

Couples and couples walking past you, looking so sweet and happy, what about you? Alone.

I asked whether he could come over, he replied 'sorry'. Just one fucking word.

When I asked whether he could come over when his party ended, he din't even reply.

Maybe there're reasons for him not replying. HP low batt? He's already asleep?

TOO TIRED??

But in my mind at that moment -> " Oh he is far too busy in his damn party to even reply me."

You know why? Cuz he ALWAYS tell me that he is BUSY. So i bet it's natural for me to have such a thinking.

Fine then. I din't sleep at all through the night.

ZuPeng's nice enough to accompany me till 6am. He too tired la.

We cleared up the mess on the table, swept the floor, and played card games.

See. Even a normal friend can care more about me than you.

Where are you when I need you the most? You're always not here at all.

When I uses the word 'always', I do mean 'always' in the sense of ALL THE TIME.

Not even a single fucking time you'll appear.

* And I predict that he will say im being paranoid again. How interesting. *

Went home at around 7am.

Bought mac breakfast for my cousin and parents.

Show them some love at least, even if I feel kind of empty inside me.

I slept from 9am to 2pm.

Actually, he promised me that he will come and find me today.

But I can tell you something that I've expected.

He left a msg saying that he can't find me today.

Expected. There's never a day you never pangseh me.

I felt so unimportant. But so what?

Sleep lor, blog lor.

I really hate this fucking way.

I hate Christmas.

I enjoyed myself soooooooooo much today. =D

Lalalla. Im kinda tired to type detail out.

So maybe, tomorrow or what la.

Heee.

How I wish everyday is like this. Then I will be the happiest girl in the whole wide world.

^^*

Yay.. One week past.

Two more weeks to stressful poly life with sooooooooo many things to complete!

I can die already la.

You know you know you know you know?

Anyway, even my parents thought that we'd quarrel again.

I don't know what to tell them.

I don't bother to too.

-

Going for practice later. But not very sure whether I can make it to stay over. Am having this terrible headache eversince i woke up.

Now Im popping pills down.

I so wanna go overseas, but no cash to go. =(

Shall go study then.

I'll be going school everyday nxt week i suppose, to complete my assignment.

So whoever wanna go SP for a tour, can find me. HAhaha.

Cya around.

-

Tsktsk. TanHaoSong, did you refresh my blog several times a day? I realise that you can tag quite a few times within one day ya. Haha.

Anyway, have a nice trip to Malacca.

Browsing through Gucci's catelogue, I found this

rusty guccissima leather with rusty leather trim/interior and light gold hardware.
112715 A0V1G 6325

And this

rusty guccissima leather with rusty leather trim/interior and light gold hardware.
112716 A0V1G 6325.

They're soooooooooo pretty!!

But can only be a dream. lol.

Cuz Gucci stuff are too expensive for me to afford.

Lalallala.

Let me fantasize la. idiot.

Oh well, I admit that I am damn moody recently.

Like.. Due to him la. Who else...

There's only 2 weeks of holiday left.

And I have to study for ACTS test, do ACTS project, study for MUST test, do MIDI assignment that requires us too compose a song and do a recording but I only have my melody for verse 1 done without accompaniment or anything else, practise keyboard skill or else babes will kill me deadly, and practise for my ET too.

Not to forget, SP concert coming in January so it's like, less than a mth!!!

GOSH la. Shit la. How la. =.=

-

And oh well, he's still the same.. I think i should care anymore. Is this a good idea?

Enlighten me, someone.

Haiz. Im still feeling sore inside. But so what, life still have to go on even with such terrible feeling.

The Earth is still spinning, the sun will still rise next morning, and it doesn't snow in S'pore.

The day he changes will be the day where there is no gravity on Earth and it started snowing in S'pore.
Then you can see snow floating around instead of falling on you.

WAhhh..

Damn it.

Can you be any better than that?? idiot.

-

Oh anyway, I won't be home tml night. Going to stay over at ppl's place. Performance on Saturday. Lazy to come back to the East tml night.

Gimme a call if you miss me ya.

=D

Im sick, but still went out to meet you, cause I wanna see you.

I am totally worned out.

Do you understand?

I really hope that things can be better. But if it doesn't, I can only say that I've given up.

Just let it be then.

And I shall not care.

But is that the only way for things to work?

Even a normal friend can be more caring than you are..

You say you're busy, but i don't think that you're busy 24/7.

A small gesture like sending msg takes only a few seconds.

A simple call takes only 1 min.

How am i suppose to convince myself that you don't even have a few seconds off your busy schedule?

I am really really really being affected badly.

I am really really really really sad because of this.

I do really feel hurt inside me..

This is for real. Really.

I stood motionless in the rain just now.

What have I been doing recently?

Concentrating on someone, neglecting other stuff, being led by my mood instead of my brain, procrastinating on my work..

Im not myself anymore. =(

You know, if somehow I have slipped out of your mind for the whole day, don't let it be to the extend that I have gotten used to be out.

Im so afraid that the day will come soon enough.

But.. I realise I can't do anything about it.

I went home, drenched throughout.

Do you know? And oh, you don't.

Love me, truly.

How bored can i get to blog twice a day?? And only hours away??????? =.=''

-

Damn HaoSong is tempting me with his PIZZAHUT stuff. What pizza, CHEESE~, Ham, Hmmmmmm, those yummy yummy sound, and those sides. WTH.

I box you i box you i box you i box you i box you i box you i box you i box you.

*YUMYUM*

I BOX YOU!!

Haha. I gave you the idea of ordering PizzaHut okay. So you shouldn't be so cruel to me.

They're fattening too.

Fei Si Ni. =x

-

Anyway, http://www.closetaffairs.com sells nice tee!!!

=D

*hinthint*

HAHAHHAHAHAHA.

-

I box you, TanHaoSong.

WOoo. I realise, Guess watches are pretty tooo!!

Aww. Actually Guess has nice stuff. Like their wallets that Im so in love with. But too bad, i think i will never ever find it again. ='(

It's really pretty!!

Alamak. Haha.

How i wish I have 1k with me right now. Then I will reserve 400bucks for my birthday chalet, 600bucks to shop for my own stuff as well as friends' christmas presents.

Anyway, anyone out there who is free on Christmas??

I bet i'll be real bored on that day.

-

Holiday already. MUST MAKE USE OF IT.

To study of course.. Plenty of assignments to hand in after holiday. Aiyo. And I hope I won't fail my REMT practical test. Like so scary.

-

He went to MOS yesterday, had a hangover, and missed his trial theory test or whatever today because of it. So i was like.. get your priorities right yea? Whatever la.

He told me that there's apparently 20 girls and only 7 guys including him. Must have enjoyed himself sooo much la.

Whatever.

Whatever whatever whatever. So it's like... WHATEVER~ Hah.

Im very fine with him going to clubs. Only hope that I can know who his friends are, as in, know them literally. So at least i know that someone I know will take care of him ya..

Aiya. Whatever la.

-

Oh and just to check. If I have a birthday chalet, who will wanna come and stay over? No point having a chalet and end up Im the only one staying there. Worse still, if I bbq food on my own, say happy birthday to myself, play games on my own, then sleep alone in the chalet after that. LOL.

I can't imagine that. Must be crazy if I do it. Don't you agree?

-

And today, when on the bus back to Tampines, I asked myself. What can i do on Christmas.

I asked Kevin.

You know what he say??

Kevin : You can go down to Xiang Lin mah~

ME: Then I'll be at Xiang Lin, all by myself, so lonely.

ME: Worse still la. I say merry christmas to myself, then say "Merry Christmas" to air. =.=''

Maybe got echo to say "Merry Christmas" to me, if Im 'lucky'.

I feel so cold. =x

-

Gosh I keep on imagining that I'll be lonely. =(

-

And OMG GUCCI GOT THIS SUPER NICE WALLET TOO. Wahahahaha.

But I can only dream about it.

Aye, better not think so much. HEh.

Oh well, today's entry is very random.

And i think today is YongHan's birthday.

Happy Birthday to you, boy.

lol.

Alright. So it's his birthday! But I won't be seeing him today though.

He gotta go school, go rugby training, then go out with his rugby friends.. busy HOR?

And yesterday, he became so sweet to me.

Like o.0

I suspect he learnt it from some places. Haha.

Cause that's sooo unlike him to do say such sweet stuff.

But but butbutbut, I like it still.

Not bad eh. Being enlightened on your 18th birthday.

lalalalalala.

-

Can someone help me plan my birthday party next year??

It's only 1mth+ away!

I want it to be specially special!

=D

DAY 3.

So maybe I shall wish you a Happy Birthday in advance.

-

As in.. Ah.

Let me tell you.

My head still hurt like shit now, right at this moment. Yesterday's medication was strong i suppose. Felt damn fucking drowsy and weak.

I din't go to school yesterday cuz I wasn't feeling well. Tension headache can just kill me. And Babes was mad at me for not going lessons..

I asked Mandric to help me apologise to her. It's like..

I felt so fucking useless.

And people out there must be thinking that I am such a bad girl to skip class AGAIN.

But it's not as if I want to.

I was determined to go to school today.

But how to, when walking without support is already a problem..

I could feel the tension.

I thought I am dying still.

So I told Mandric that I couldn't make it to school today.

And I felt fucking freaking useless.

Once again, I bet people out there must be thinking that Im such a bad girl to skip class AGAIN AND AGAIN.

I am enlightened.

-

I hope, I can make it to school tomorrow.

I hope, someone do understand what Im trying to say here.

fck.

There are so many times during the day that I wanted to give you a call or send you a greeting.

But I resisted the urge to do so.

I wanted to see when you will give me a call or send me a greeting.

But my phone remain silent for the whole day.

-

It's not only today. But yesterday too.

And with Joel's questions, it does make me wonder.

o.0

So I am easily forgotten by you.

-

And you don't know what happened today.

Alright I enjoyed myself today. =D

-

Woke up earlier than normal Sundays cause Kevin and KB wanna go eat ban mian first before practice. Aye, turned out that the ban mian ain't nice la.

Then that Kevin saw people eating porridge and he says that next week we gonna have porridge as breakfast. =.=

So anyone interested interested in having breakfast, 9.30am at Bukit Gombak.

-

Teaching was fine as usual. SenRong joined us. Hahahaha. And kinda got pulled into the committee. Lol. Teck Hui's friend as well. =x

-

After lunch, me, Joel, Kevin, ZuPeng and SenRong went to Causeway Point. Walked around then off to arcade to play. See them play. Quite fun. Haha. All the kiddish games there. Like childhood memories.

Then me and Joel feel like watching movie.

Woo. I wanna watch Cinderella. =D Anyone?? haha.

Anyway, we managed to convince SenRong and ZuPeng to watch Open Season with us. Gosh. Pathetic man. We're soooo damn broke la. Even dig all our coins out and still short of 50cents. It's as if we saved up damn long, putting coins into our piggy banks to watch movie.

"Watching movie is our dream." <-- that's what Joel said. HAH.

Then suddenly SenRong pulled out another 10dollar note. =.=''

NI SUA WO MEN AH, SHI BU SHI?? ahahha.

Oh and hardworking Kevin was studying when we're watching movie.

*applause*

The movie is alright. The characters are cute. Storyline is okay-okay only though.

=D

-

AIYA I JUST HAD A FUN TIME LA.

Yay Yay Yay Yay Yay.

Last week of school. Are you enjoying yourself??

Blaaaa.

Tired!! Let me recall what happened.

-

Lessons ended at 11 plus on Friday, but I am meeting him at around 1. So i took a bus down to Holland Village and to the bakery that Mich once brought me there. Bought him the cheese thingy that he liked and a choc cream bun that looked nice. Wanted to buy a bone for Jackie to chew but I realise that I didn't have enough money. =.='' Poor thing.

And I took a bus back to SP to wait for him; I have practically no where to go you see. Waited for him in cafe. Gosh I looked kinda weird being in school alone.

You know, ther feeling that everyone would be watching you, thinking in their mind that why you are alone and stuff. Haha. But still, i waited alone. =x

Went down to Marina Sq with him.

Ate at CityLink Thai Express and it's nice.

I bought him his birthday present too. He choose, I pay.

It's a RipCurl wallet that looked sooooooo beautiful; but Im utterly broke now la. lol.

Shopped around and stuff. Actually Marina Sq has quite a number of shops to shop in, but it depends on whether it's your 'type' or not.

Then at around 3, we went to the MRT station to meet his friend.

I forgot his name. =x

Aye, he's like so... quiet?

Anyway, I went off soon. Hafta go home get my pipa and train-ed down to XiangLin.

Had rehearsal at the Expo for the Buddha exhibition thingy.

Kinda pissed with the organisation. Bad organising skill. We waiting for damn long, and we didn't even have the stage to rehearse la. Stupid.

It all ended at around 10pm and I cabbed down to Pasir Ris Park for Yanisa's birthday.

Saw many friends that I've never seen for damn long. People like Daniel, LockBin, HaiSong, JinXian, Wenqi, Benjamin, ShiRui, ShangLi and all.

Wenqi seem to be shocked that Im with Daryl again.

Had fun there; it somehow brought me back to secondary school days. Haaaha.

-

That's for yesterday. Today, we had the actual performance at the Expo.

So many unhappy incidents happened. I told you, the organising skill of the people there aren't great. We're kinda pissed with them.

First was the guy that was in charge of the miking. Like shit la. Placed 3 overhead and then only miked some of the instruments individually. Like wth. The music would get out of proportion la. Idiot leh. And I believe that we musicians know our stuff better than the miking people there. But that guy there insisted that we're messing around and his attitude sux.

Then again, at the main stage, this freaking guy that claimed to know how to mic the orchestra only placed one damn overhead mic at the left hand side of the orchestra. So the right hand side, which was my side, had totally no mic at all.

Wtf right? Any sane person will know how to balance up. =.=''

Grrr.

Went to slack with Boon, Zu Peng. Kevin was with his girl.

Haha. We're getting bored and started translating Mandarin into Hokkien. Imagine singing Tong Hua in Hokkien. Hahaha. Had quite a lot of fun. I kept asking stupid question like "How do you say muffin in Hokkien??" I even asked about Hello Kitty, Doraemon, UltraMan, alien, treble clef, etc. Haha. All those weird weird one.

Then talked about CO..

In my opinion, every orchestra is unique be it western or Chinese or whatever. There is no fix answer to how a good orchestra is. You can't say that a CO with lesser plucked strings instruments and more of ErHus is the best.

I believe in internal balancing.

It saves a lot of hassle on miking the orchestra too. Haha.

You also can't say that those western strings ensemble is the best ensemble with the best harmonisation and stuff. There are many factors to consider like the characteristic of the instruments, and the musicians are the most important factor.

All I can say is that everyone plays differently. So you can't compare! =)

If the various characteristics doesn't exist, then for what we use that particular instrument??

Am I not wrong?

=P

-

Went to meet him after everyone left.

And omg. I see sooo many injuries on him. ='(

Stupid you. Take care can? Don't make me worry.

Oh yea. Holiday's coming. How great. =D

Anyway, I went to school today.

Short entry. I am tired.

-

There's rehearsal tomorrow, Yanisa's birthday party too, performance on Sat, and SQ asked me to go MOS on Sat too.

Gotta wake up early on Sun for CO.

Tiring weekend I have here.

Lalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. =p

-

I am missing you, my dear boy.

He wants me to change my blogskin, but i told him that I am happy with what I have now.

=.=

Oh well, there're tons of stuff in my mind that I wanna write here.

But i know i cant.

Gosh what's the use man.

-

Planned to go to other country and so I went to check the details on forums. But I end up reading those hotel phobias, aka scary/spooky experience in hotels. =.=
Scare myself only.
Hahaha.
I remember telling him few days ago that if we go to bangkok, as in me, him, my friend and his friend, we gonna all squeeze in 1 room instead of having 2 rooms after reading something similar to the hotel phobias.
eeee. To think that First World Hotel in Genting is sooo.. Eeee..
Hahahhaa.
Stayed there whenever i go Genting somemore. But nothing happened so far. =x
Aiyooo.
Anyone has any tips or precautions to make your hotel stay a peaceful one??
I read about knocking before entering room;
on every light, open windows and draw curtains to let sunshine and fresh air in;
don't put your shoes in orderly manner, hafta put one side up and one side down;
don't leave bed empty, must put something on;
check every drawers and cupboards;
*IMPT* check under beds and those pull out beds too, in case you found something funny down there that creeps you out like shit;
flush the toilet or let water run a while;
change immediately if it's a corner room;
check see if the bible is in the drawer or on the table, if it's open, change room immediately;
then... any more??? hahahahha.
Such a long list.

And is findin corpse under bed soooo common? Gosh I read about it soo many times.

I just realised that my bloggie ain't firefox friendly. SO MY BLOGSKIN LOOKS LIKE CRAP WITH FIREFOX. Stupid. I think only idiots use firefox.
Hahahahahhaha
-
Anyway, Im having mixed feeling today..
Went to HKNCO in the morning. As usual la. Taught my plucked string section. Actually something did pissed me a lil over there, but not my wonderful students la. I think they should know what. Haha.
Had orchestra practise after sectional. Xie lao shi actually apply for fund to buy pipa for me and QunHui to use. And 3 erhus for Teckhui and his friends, drum for Kevin to play, cello for Joel, drum set for Richard.. Not bad eh. But the pipa quality not that good. Can't expect much la. At least there's something to play. Can see that some of my students are interested in learning pipa. o.0 Great.
Practised for 23's performance and off for lunch.
The commitee menbers for the CO is out.
Kevin is the chairperson, and I am vice. The rest I don't really remember.
Went down to PS with Kevin, Boon and Zu Peng for the XiangLin performance again. Like last wk la.
Met him and I went off early.
-
Aww aww. You know why I have mixed feelings?? Haha. Cuz I am insane.
Gosh. Sometimes, I am not angry with you, but with myself instead. Im frustrated with myself, not you. But you think that I am angry with you. Aiya. Confusing la. Idiot me..
-

PSSS. ANY OF HIS RUGBY FRIENDS.
DARYL'S BIRTHDAY IS ON THE 14TH OF DECEMBER. =D
Let him enjoy his birthday ya. I think there's training on that day. Get what I mean??
HAHA. =x
*opps. I din't say anything. Dear Daryl. I din't say anything. And no they're not going to give u a birthday bash. Nononononono.*